I have Bipolar Disorder and it's putting a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend..not enough for us to break up but I just feel awful for the way I act..the way I am. During my last few manic episodes I've hurt myself...mainly hitting myself and objects. My wrist really hurts right now from slamming it into the AC multiple times. I'm more afraid I'll hurt him..

He doesn't want me on any medications though..because he says they change who I am.

I need some advice on how to control myself. It's hard and I thought I'd been doing so well because I hadn't had many problems..until recently.

Wow. Well what can I say...it's been forever. I'm totally alive and everything. I've met a great guy and we've been together for a year and he makes me so happy.

I'm going to ease my way back into slash hehe.

I'm going to edit my first chapter of that Frank/Brendon story and then continue on from there.

Title: Blood and tears are happiness
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: R
Pairing: Frank/Brendon (plus Ryan/Jon, Frank/Jon & Brendon/Jon later on)
POV: 3rd
Summary: Frank's a hitman and Brendon is his next target. Both boys are very damaged. What happens when they meet? Can Frank complete his job and kill Brendon? Or will Brendon open up Frank's sealed heart?
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this is fiction.
Author Notes: I need a beta. Continue? And if you read this at my lj awhile ago then it's changed a bit.

( Chapter One )

Title: The Archer's Bows Are Broken [Prologue/?]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: Ryan's
Summary: Don't even waste your time with this. This isn't a summary.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this is fiction. Title belongs to Brand New.
Author Notes: This is what you get from an atheist that tries to believe in God and who has spent the whole morning trying to read the five books that she can't seem to get into because she keeps thinking about what kind of tea she wants to make. Not posted anywhere. It's not beta'd and it's roughly checked over. I'm just posting it to post it.
Dedication: To Ben.

( recipes.. )

Title: This has no title because I don't really care [drabble]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Anyone you want -- I had Ryan/Brendon and Gerard/Frank in mind though
POV: 3rd
Summary: His heart almost stops beating at the sight of what he’s done to his lover…and to himself.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this is fiction. The title is lyrics taken from the song Given Up by Linkin Park.
Author Notes: Only posted here. Written in October. Blah.

( clicky or no clicky )

Title: Stuck In My Head Again [2/?]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan..Jon?? I haven't really decided yet..
POV: 3rd
Summary: He inhales a shaky breath as he looks at his new school. He wonders how long he will be here. He hopes that he'll finish out the year and that he'll go to a decent college. But he is hoping after all, and he doesn't take any of his hopes seriously, especially now.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this is fiction. The title is lyrics taken from the song Given Up by Linkin Park.
Author Notes: Constructive criticism is welcomed. Thanks so much to my awesome beta ryrolovesbden! =)

Previous: Prologue One

( Chapter Two )

Title: Rain and Acid Rain [20~~Alternate Ending/20]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13 or maybe PG
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: Ryan's
Summary: "Then don't leave me. Stay with me, here. Just, please, don't leave me alone."
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, this is fiction. I got the idea from the movie Girl Interrupted. It really is nothing like the movie, not at all.
Author Notes: Thanks to anyone that reads! I'm so fucking sorry. Fucking kill me, I deserve it. Be prepared for major lame. My apologizes.

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20


( ALTERNATE ENDING )

Title: I'm taken, I am yours [standalone]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon and Jon/Spencer
Summary: Cheating and being oblivious to the way one feels.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, this is fiction. The title is lyrics from the
song 'Are you Ten Years Ago' by Tegan and Sara.
Author Notes: If you read this at my lj last month then I have rewritten it.


( Read more... )

Title: Stuck In My Head Again [1/?]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG
Pairing: Brendon/Ryan..Jon?? Will be known by the 2nd or 3rd chapter.
POV: 3rd
Summary: Brendon lowers his head, the truth staring right at him. The honest reasoning for getting to sleep and then the nearly hidden reason for not being in bed. "Yeah, I know, dad. I just--well, I just had to check the doors, you know, just in case." His father does a mental sigh, not at his son but at the predicament that his son is in. He knows his boy is going through a tough time right now, and he knew the reason why he wasn't asleep all along. He had seen him check the front door, slowly turning the knob back and forth, pulling on it, and checking its security.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this is fiction. The title is lyrics taken from the song Given Up by Linkin Park.
Author Notes: Constructive criticism is welcomed. Thanks so much to my awesome beta ryrolovesbden! =)

Previous: Prologue

( And just when Brendon is starting to finally relax, he hears a noise echoing from the kitchen. )

Title: Stuck In My Head Again [Prologue/?]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Brendon/most likely Ryan but I haven't ruled out Jon
POV: 3rd
Summary: He doesn't know when he became so fucked up. He assumes that it was a slow progression, slowly crawling in and embedding in his mind.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this is fiction. The title is lyrics taken from the song Given Up by Linkin Park.
Author Notes: If you read this at my lj a few days ago then it has been rewritten a bit. Thanks so much to my awesome beta ryrolovesbden! =)

(  A time bomb that is slowly, but surely, ticking. )

Title: You see the sunset on the boulevard [1/?]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Brendon/Frank Iero (with Ryan/William Beckett and Spencer/Jon in the background)
POV: Brendon's
Summary: Brendon isn't gay...never mind the pictures of naked men.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this is fiction. The title is taken from lyrics in the song Aladale by The Pink Spiders. Inspiration/bits borrowed from the book "Absolutely, Positively, Not..." by David Larochelle. The first few chapters (if I continue) will resemble parts of the book but nothing is directly taken from the book.
Author Notes: I think I will continue this. More at the end. Not posted anywhere. Rethinking this. Thinking a lot, actually. Eventually.

( But Frank fucking Iero is now walking my direction )

Title: I am folded and unfolded and unfolding [5/?]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: Brendon's
Summary: I take a hold of the chains, gripping them in my hands, feeling the cold metal. Moving my fingers on the rusting steel, feeling the flakiness of the alloy. I move my legs back and forth. Propelling myself forward, falling up towards the sky and then falling back. I am oscillating like a pendulum, swinging freely. Time passes and light fades away. My swinging slows and it grows darker. The moon illuminates the sky, peaking out through the dark clouds and shining bright.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, this is fiction. The title is taken from lyrics in the song Colorblind by Counting Crows.
Dedications: To nejem because she is awesome and to cass_a_daay because she is a hooker I <3 her.
Author Notes: Thanks so much to my freaking awesome beta strlight_fics, she pwns and I <3 her bunches :]

Prologue | One | Two | Three | Four

( Chapter Five )

Title: Rain and Acid Rain [20/20]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: R for boy-touching
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: Ryan's
Summary: "Then don't leave me. Stay with me, here. Just, please, don't leave me alone."
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, this is fiction. I got the idea from the movie Girl Interrupted. It really is nothing like the movie, not at all.
Author Notes: Thanks to anyone that reads! Thanks so much to my awesome beta tiatragedy! :)

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19


( Chapter Twenty - FINAL CHAPTER )

Title: I am folded and unfolded and unfolding [4/?]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: Brendon's
Summary: I want to grasp onto a cloud and let the wind blow me wherever it wishes; I want to feel untainted, pure and perfect. I desperately want everything to be okay.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, this is fiction. The title is taken from lyrics in the song 'Colorblind' by Counting Crows.
Dedications: To nejem because she is awesome and I <3 her.
Author Notes: Thanks so much to my freaking awesome beta strlight_fics, she pwns :]

Prologue | One | Two | Three

( How long have I been crying? )

Title: I let myself finally feel [drabble]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG
Pairing: Joncer
Summary: A thunderstorm and a kiss.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, this is fiction. The title is lyrics from the song 'Are you Ten Years Ago' by Tegan and Sara.
Author Notes: This is pretty boring tbh.


( click here if you want to read.. )

Title: I'm taken, I am yours [standalone]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG
Pairing: Joncer and Ryden
Summary: Spencer has Jon but that didn't matter to Brendon.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, this is fiction. The title is lyrics from the song 'Are you Ten Years Ago' by Tegan and Sara.
Author Notes: This is pretty boring and it sucks hard.


( click here if you want.. )

Title: I am folded and unfolded and unfolding [3/?]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryden
POV: Brendon's
Summary: And now that he's gone, everything seems much darker. I am alone and I feel alone.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, this is fiction. I'd cry if this was true, thankfully it's not. The title is lyrics from the song 'Colorblind' by Counting Crows.
Dedications: To nejem because she is awesome and is like the nicest person <3
Author Notes: Thanks so much to my freaking awesome beta strlight_fics :]

Prologue | One | Two

( I'm tossed back into that sinking ship, drowning in my thoughts, holding onto my breath, waiting to be rescued. )

Title: Rain and Acid Rain [19/20]
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
POV: Ryan's
Summary:
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, this is fiction. I got the idea from the movie Girl Interrupted. It really is nothing like the movie, not at all really.
Author Notes: Thanks to anyone that reads! Thanks so much to my awesome beta tiatragedy! :)

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18



( Chapter Nineteen )

Title: The Middle of Nowhere [7/7] Last Chapter
Author: chaosxcalamity
Rating: PG-13 - a little bit of violence
Pairing: Brendon and Ryan
POV: 3rd
Summary: Ryan backed up from Brendon and slicked a hand through his hair, "I'll be right back. Do NOT leave this room. Don't open the door for anyone but me, only open the door if I ask you to. I don't care what you think you hear or what you want to do. You are going to stay put until I come back for you. Understand? I need you to promise me that you won't leave this room. Promise me, Brendon."
Dedications: To nejem for being awesome and reading it as I wrote it :] I wouldn't have been able to finish it if it wasn't for her!!
Author’s Notes: Thanks so much to my awesome beta justranda! :]] This is the last chapter, thanks to anyone who reads. I shortened the story down by a chapter, ending it at seven instead of eight, sorry.


Previous: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

( Chapter Seven - The Last Chapter )

We are bugs waiting to be stepped on. We are moving pictures in a flipbook. We are slowly slipping down into that large creek that we call our eyes. And what ever happened to that week in which you felt sane?

I have a little bit of the next chapters for each story written but I can't advance on them. My mind is floating elsewhere.

Oh and I so wasn't writing fanfic during my first day of school..not at all. At least I was writing it in English.